How To Cope With Negative Self Talk
Have you ever had one of those days where you were swimming in your thoughts and found it hard to concentrate and be present? Have you noticed a stream of negative thoughts that you just could not shake? Humans have thousands of thoughts each day and there are often negative ones that show up, but it can be difficult if you feel stuck inside of them and unable to get out. Let's explore some steps you can use to gain control over your negative self-talk.
What is negative self-talk?
Negative self-talk refers to thoughts that flow like a conversation and carry themes of put downs, criticism, self-doubt and overall negativity towards yourself. When there is an abundance of negative self-talk, it can lead to low self-worth, insecurity and even mental health issues.
Steps to cope with negative self-talk:
Track your negative self-talk: Gaining awareness of your internal dialogue is often a helpful first step. When you can identify that you are having negative self-talk, track the thoughts, times of day and surrounding events. Your thoughts impact how you feel emotionally, so also take note of any emotions that show up. These emotions might be sadness, shame, embarrassment, disgust, regret, etc. Here is an example of a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) thought record but you can also just track these in the note section of your phone: Thought Log
Identify themes: Notice, for example, if there are certain times of day, people or situations that tend to trigger these thoughts more than others. You may start to pick up on what exactly is activating the negative thoughts or making you more vulnerable. Sometimes there are older emotional wounds that get pulled like a time warp into your current life. Learning your potential triggers and vulnerabilities can help you be more prepared to manage these thoughts.
Identify “thinking traps”: Taken from the therapeutic modality, CBT, there are several negative thought patterns that negative self-talk can have. Here are some examples:
All or nothing (either/or): Seeing outcomes and situations with a dichotomous lens. A common example connecting to negative self-talk could be, “If I am not a complete success, I am a failure.”
Catastrophic thinking: This is when your thoughts focus on the absolute worst possible case scenario. If someone were to make a minor mistake at work this would sound something like, “I am doomed and going to get fired.”
Should/ought/must thoughts: These can be highly critical and can sound like, “I should exercise more, I should be able to figure this out, I ought to know better by now.”
Disqualifying the positive: Thinking that anything positive is a fluke but seeing the negatives as facts. This might sound like, “They just asked me out because they felt sorry for me.”
Mind Reading: Thoughts that other people are thinking a certain way about you as if you can hear their thoughts. “They think I am stupid.”
Personalization: Assuming others’ behaviors are directly connected to you somehow. These thoughts might be, “My boss didn’t say hi to me because she is mad at me.”
These are just a handful of thinking traps (there are more!) but ones I often see in therapy when people are struggling with negative self-talk.
Mindfulness: Mindfulness is a strongly supported and evidenced based technique to cope with negative self-talk. Instead of engaging with your thoughts as if you are having a conversation with them, accept their presence without responding to them. Common examples are imagining your thoughts like they are clouds in the sky, trains or cars going by, or leaves in a river. Allow them to pass while you bring your focus back to the present moment. This does not have to be done in a formal way but it is often beneficial if you can practice this skill first when you are away from the distressing, negative self-talk. Once you have practiced this for a while, it is easier to access in the moment. Here are some examples you can use to practice mindfulness: Mindfulness practice
Externalize the negative self-talk: You can separate your true self from your negative self-talk. Sometimes people call their negative self-talk their “self critic,” a “spiral” or even an actual name (“ohhhhh, Becky’s back and she is loud”). Getting some distance from these thoughts can feel empowering and be a reminder that you are not your thoughts.
Thank them: Sending some gratitude to your negative self-talk sounds funny but really honoring that evolutionarily speaking, having negativity bias has aided in human survival. Historically if you were only noticing the positives, you would be eaten alive and left for dead. It is much easier to notice the negatives than the positives, but it can be done with intentional practice. Over time it becomes more habitual.
Practice self compassion and give yourself grace: Just like with any skill, this takes lots of practice and there is no such thing as perfection. Remind yourself that change takes time.
