Start Your Self Love Journey
Conversations about one’s relationship to self and loving oneself have been popping up in some way shape or form in therapy throughout the years I have practiced. Self love is not something we complete and check off a to do list. It is a journey, a process, an unraveling. It is a bumpy and winding road. Self love is a thinking, doing and being process. Unlearning the way you see yourself is one part of this process. How you respond to your physical and emotional needs is another.
Steps I can take towards loving myself:
Feel your feelings: You, like most people, probably want to fix your emotions and problem solve your way out of experiencing them. Most of the time this only makes your feelings get stuck. Allow yourself to just sit with your feelings. Increase your awareness around what emotions show up for you each day. Download an emotion wheel and keep it in your phone somewhere (feeling wheel). Ask yourself what emotions might be showing up each day. This will help you get better at knowing them.
Respond with compassion, not judgment or criticism: This might sound simple but it is not. Just as you are going to take note of your emotions each day, jot down what you tell yourself. Notice the stories you tell yourself and the role you tend to play in those stories. Pay attention to how critical and judgmental you can be each and every day. You might notice that you call yourself names, blame yourself or others or set high and unrealistic expectations. Try responding to yourself the way you would your best friend or to a child. It could be something like, “I am only human”, “Everyone makes mistakes” or, “I am doing the best I can”.
Stop comparing yourself to others: You are your own unique person with your own talents, abilities and limitations. You can always find someone who is doing something better but how helpful is that and is it even fair?
Set boundaries: Allow yourself to prioritize your needs. Say no when you need to say no and let go of taking on the responsibilities of other people. Know what is okay and what is not okay with you and express those.
Ask yourself daily what you need in response to your thoughts, feelings and body sensations. When I ask people this in therapy each week, they often look at me like I asked them to speak a new language. We can benefit so much from asking ourselves what we are needing. If you can ask others in your life what they need, you can practice this for yourself as well.
Take care of your physical body: Prioritize your body’s needs. If possible, try and get enough rest and eat enough food throughout the day. Guard yourself from what the outside world says you “should” eat and ask yourself what sounds good. Trust it. Engage in movement your body enjoys. This could be hard laughter, silly dancing, a gentle walk or a bike ride. It can be whatever feels good to you.
Create a new mantra to repeat to yourself daily that reinforces your journey of self love: This could be, “I am worthy of self love, respect, joy and comfort”, “I am loveable”, “I am learning to love myself”, “I am on a self love journey” or, “I am healing my relationship with myself”. Pick one that makes you feel uncomfortable and repeat it daily.
Engage in activities that bring you joy: Think about where and with whom your energy gets fueled and sparked. Allow yourself to do things you once did like coloring, knitting, writing or calling your best friend.
Show your authentic and perfectly imperfect self: Your imperfections are what draws people to you. People connect to those who are genuine to who they are. Allow yourself to make mistakes, be real and be vulnerable.
I have witnessed a softening with people as they move through their self love journey. I have also seen improvements in how they feel towards themselves and others. When we show ourselves love and compassion, this is projected to the world around us.
If you are in need of therapy and wanting to work towards change, please reach out to Megan Tarmann, LMFT for in person and/or online therapy support.
